How I Learned to Say “No”

My therapist and I were talking recently and she said she believes my self-esteem is rising. I feel free and able to breathe in the fresh air again. I feel I can say no to situations that do not bring me any mental well-being. I feel I am finally able to stand up for myself without being afraid.

The earliest memories I have of when traumatic events began are from when I was 10. My parents were never married. My mom and dad lived separate lives. I was able to visit my dad on the weekends, but my mom was married to an angry man and was very ill from an unknown disease. The man my mom was married to would yell and scream. They always fought. He was very intimidating and liked to intimidate me. My self-esteem plummeted, and I began harming myself.

At age 25, hearing her abusive lecture for the millionth time, I walked out. I initiated the cutting of ties. I walked out shaking with anger. I was already living on my own, but I was fed up with all the years of abuse. Finally, something inside me had had enough. I calmly got up, told her I had a friend to meet (I did, so it wasn’t technically a lie), and walked out of the restaurant we had been at.

Once outside, I ran behind a dumpster. I knew she would find me and force me to come back if I didn’t make myself hard to find. I was indeed scared but I was ready to escape and be free. The next day she wrote an email to my aunt and me, letting us know that she never wanted to see me again and that I should give her back her house key. So a few days later I did. Thus my journey into freedom began.

Freedom didn’t come without a cost, though. I was definitely at my lowest point in terms of my self-esteem, and I escalated to cutting myself. My aunt was helping me through this difficult time, and my poor Dad tried, but he was stuck in limbo with his wife. I switched to a previous therapist, the one who had first recognized the abuse going on in my life. She helped me stop cutting, and I have been seeing her ever since. It has been five years since my abuser and I cut ties.

My dad and I still maintain a relationship and I am learning slowly, day by day, how to love myself and heal from the trauma. I can recognize when I am saying something mean about myself, and I try to ask myself if it makes sense. I have also been clean from cutting myself for four years. I have been more able to stand up for myself and realize what I am worth.

A major example of how I’ve changed took place this past year. I left a relationship that was no longer good for me. The man I was seeing was going to lose his job for the fourth time, and I knew carrying the financial burden would have overwhelmed me emotionally and mentally. In our five years together, we had wonderful times but also very difficult times that were not healthy and were sometimes abusive in nature. It was more than what any person should have to deal with. I knew I wasn’t happy. I knew deep down this wasn’t right. I tried to get out of the relationship once and then came back. I loved him, and so I was in denial.

But it all came down to that one day when he was going to get fired by his own doing. I knew it was time to leave. I’d had enough. It was very difficult to leave, though. Even after we broke up, we had to live together for financial reasons. But he left eventually. He has a new girlfriend now. I suspect that before we broke up feelings were starting for them both – but honestly, I am realizing I got the better slice of the pie.

Through these experiences of leaving— of leaving my dad’s wife’s abuse and leaving a relationship that no longer made me happy— I have realized my true strength. I can say no, and revoke any deals that no longer suit me. For instance, I know that I owe my ex-boyfriend nothing. We had an incident that forced us to talk to each other, and I realized it wasn’t good for me. The incident turned into a power struggle, but I made sure I won that battle.

I realized that I certainly can be assertive and that I owed him no explanation for my wanting to take care of my own needs first. The same goes for my dad’s wife as well: I owe no one anything for wanting to take care of myself. Furthermore, I owe no apologies for standing up for myself and saying no. This is a wonderful lesson, and thank gosh I have finally learned it.