How to Change a Decade

So much good happened to me over the last ten years. I got my driver’s license. I graduated high school. I got my Associates’s Degree. I settled near the University of North Texas—and got into their Bachelor of Social Work program. I listened to over 52,400 minutes worth of music on Spotify— all wonderful things!

And yes, I went back to treatment for my eating disorder last summer. Does it make me sad that I went into the new decade with only about seven months in recovery instead of four and a half years? Yes. But sometimes when you take a pause and reset, you learn some very powerful lessons in the process.

Amid my struggles with several chronic health conditions (including Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), I was also grappling with an eating disorder. For me, this involved going into partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient programs several times over the last six years. In treatment, I was offered group therapy; individual therapy; sessions with a dietician; structured, monitored meals and snack times up to six times per day; and more. At times, I was in treatment eleven hours per day, seven days per week. Treatment and recovery have provided some of the most difficult, yet rewarding, experiences of my life.

Honestly, it’s hard not to view the last ten years as the decade of my eating disorder and chronic health problems. It’s hard not to view old photos of myself in terms of where I was pre-and post-treatment. Facebook’s “on this day” feature has my “before” pictures constantly popping up. These pictures, from high school and early college, show me before and during my first two treatment admissions when I was still underweight. Even now, it’s hard not to look back at the thin body I see with envy— even though I know how sick I was when I looked like that. I remember how awful I felt, how little sleep I got, how moody and depressed I was, and how much my body was simply struggling to keep me alive.

I feel so much better now, in post-treatment recovery, when I eat regularly and allow myself to be nourished properly. My body is capable of things now that it wasn’t capable of back then. I feel better today as I allow myself to live authentically and have hard conversations that need having with people I trust. I feel better today as I allow myself to feel a wide range of emotions rather than trying to hide them.

Still, sometimes, I feel sad about having gone back to treatment last summer. I feel sad about having made it four and a half years in recovery and then losing my footing yet again.

However, as several wise women from my recovery group would tell me if I were speaking with them: I haven’t lost anything from going back to treatment again. I gained more. I added more tools to my toolkit and more support people to my life. I gained more insight about myself. I hit another reset button.

I start to remember I was still just as sick when I went back to treatment for my third time last summer, even in a larger body. I was still sick because I was not nourishing myself properly, living authentically, or addressing parts of my past that still needed to be properly addressed.

I have learned so much about myself through the lens of my struggles—my eating disorder in particular. I can see how my eating disorder was a band-aid for other issues: for trauma, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, self-confidence issues, anxiety, and more. I turned to my eating disorder in order to cope with these other problems. I see this, now.

So, I am reframing the way I look at this decade. This last decade was one of learning and extreme growth. I rose and fell many, many times. However, through that rising and falling, I learned that I am more than capable of returning to my feet no matter what may happen to me. I learned more than ever how to live boldly and bravely. I learned how to truly advocate for myself and how to make sure my voice is heard. I learned to fight and to find my inner power.

It took seven long months of trying, but I finally got on the waiting list for a life-changing service dog from Canine Companions. I started eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy with a therapist I adore. I found lifelong friends in my peers at my treatment center and in my social work cohort at school. I wrote some pieces I’m truly proud of, both academically and for nonprofit organizations I support, such as The Mighty and Better Because Collective. And of course, I expanded my knowledge and awareness of myself.