I Survived

By Hannah Siller

Content Notice: This story contains references to Trauma, Physical and Emotional Abuse, Drug Use, and Addiction.

Hannah didn’t know how to express herself after decades of abuse. In an attempt to escape her mother’s violence, she moved in with her father yet was confronted by her stepmother’s emotional abuse. Despite this, education helped Hannah gain control.

My trauma story started at birth. I started life knowing more and seeing more than any young child should. I was born to a drug dealer and someone addicted to drugs. My parents’ relationship was not meant to last, and eventually, I would find myself part of a complex custody arrangement. The duel homes were like night and day with my father slowly building a new life and a new family while my mother slowly burned her life to the ground. It wasn’t long after the arrangement was made that the physical abuse by my mother’s hand started. She had won primary custody out of spite and a desire to hurt my father more than out of any love for me. Hitting me was just another part of her revenge. For over 10 years, I lived under her tyranny, the violence progressing. It wasn’t until I almost died at 17 that things changed, and I was moved from one hell to another.

I Stayed

People often wondered why I stayed with my mother for so long. They wonder where my dad and other family were, where the school was, the police, the doctors. They wondered how I could have lived in that hell for 10 years with no intervention. At first, I did fight. At first, I did speak up. At first, I did ask for help. The problem was no one was listening, at least, not to a kid. My mother was a master of manipulation. She blamed me, calling me violent, claiming self-defense, and people believed her. My own stepmother believed her and used this belief, plus resentment for me, to keep others from helping. Eventually, even I started to believe her. Something had to be wrong with me, or I had to deserve it in some way. Slowly I stopped fighting and focused on surviving.

I Tried

Abuse comes in many forms, not just physical. Moving from my mother’s home to my father’s did not alleviate my abuse, it only changed it. My stepmother’s resentment of me had grown to hatred over the years, for reasons I will never know. She believed I deserved the abuse and was never shy about sharing that opinion. She was cruel to me—withheld food, reduced my living conditions to the bare minimum, and made every effort to make sure that I was isolated from those who did love me. All the while, my father sat, complacent.

I Changed

Abuse changes a person. For so long, I have lived on my own fight-or-flight instincts. I learned to read my mother’s emotions to predict the level of threat, and I always had an escape plan. I learned that emotion was a sign of weakness, and that weakness was fuel to a person like her. I learned to play the game of appeasement and compliance to prevent an attack. And when there was nothing else I could do, I hardened myself, so it hurt less.

When I finally got out on my own, I expected freedom. Instead, I found a different cage. I had stayed so strong for so long, that I didn’t know how to let my walls down. Just the slightest act of bringing down my walls caused an overwhelming release of pain. For someone who had never been weak a day in my life, this instability was unsettling. I never felt safe, I saw danger in everything. I started experiencing panic attacks over small things like a sudden noise or a minor decision. I knew I needed help.

I Healed

I was in my early 20s the first time I attended therapy and it would not be that last. I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and prescribed an SSRI, an anti-anxiety medication. This medication worked by helping me keep and use serotonin, a mood-stabilizing hormone my body already made. I underwent a year of therapy that focused on learning about my diagnosis, building coping skills, and processing my trauma.

In order to process this trauma my therapist used a Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) approach. The basic purpose of any CBT method is to help the client gain ownership of their life and take back power and control of it. Along the way, the therapist will help by identifying misconceptions the client has such as, “it was my fault,” or, “I deserved it.” This is a powerful process for trauma survivors as they let go of the shame and instead embrace the fact that they are now free.

Through therapy, I developed a fascination with psychology and the way the brain worked. Although I had never been very good at school, I decided to give college a try. A bachelor’s in psychology soon turned into a master’s in counseling with an emphasis in trauma and crisis. Learning became a valuable coping mechanism for me. I wanted to know and understand the PTSD monster that haunted me. The more I knew, the more I felt I could control it and maybe, someday, defeat it.

I Moved On

The hardest part about my trauma is that it never really goes away. It makes me who I am and is embedded in every memory from that phase in my life. I will not know what it feels like not to be hit, and I will never be able to forget the words my mother said. This made me angry for a long time–even after I completed therapy. What I went through wasn’t fair, and there was nothing anyone could do to change it. Instead, all I could do was move forward, take what I could from my past experiences, and make my life as good as possible from that point on.

Today, people often ask me how I stay positive in spite of all the pain I endured. The truth is that at some point, I made the decision to make sure what I went through was at least worth it. My life was far from easy, but the person I became from it is someone I am proud of. I have a passion for helping people and a strong knowledge of trauma that makes me a fantastic advocate and educator in the field. I may not have had an easy life, but maybe I can help to make someone else’s life just a little bit easier. And that, to me, is worth it.