Content Notice: This story contains references to suicide.
I thought I knew what I wanted in life. I thought I knew how to get there, how to deal with life in general. I thought I was wise and understood human nature, including my own. My world was narrow and clear which made me unknowingly judgmental of those who seemed lost or different.
In actuality, I just hid everything that was traumatic and difficult from myself so efficiently that when things started to fall apart I had no clue why.
Thus began a ten year long series of severe episodes of Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Depression. Strong suicidal urges and multiple attempts seemed to come out of nowhere very suddenly. I was in my last year of a bachelor’s degree and I quickly lost the ability to study, to work or to concentrate on anything. Most strikingly, I lost the ability to hope and strive for my long-held goals. I felt like a 90-year-old woman whose future only contained death even though I was in my early 20s. I thought I found a solution when access to drugs came my way but they only made the darkness worse in the end. Everything I held onto and valued in myself was stripped away.