Leading with Resilience

By Ryan Zadrazil

Ryan hit rock bottom, but the experience changed his life for the better. Hospitalized, Ryan learned the importance of building a strong support network. Finally, he feels in control of his life and his emotions.

Bipolar disorder is the best and worst thing that has happened to me. It has taught me the importance of having structure in my life and a strong support network. Most importantly, it has taught me to love and take care of myself. Having bipolar disorder is full of ups and downs, but it does not define who I am.

Three years ago I experienced one of the most severe manic episodes of my life. When I look back, it’s hard to replay everything that happened. It seemed like the episode crept up on me when I was least expecting it. My life was going in a positive direction until it was derailed by the mania.

I felt completely normal as I decided to quit my job for a better opportunity. I had a friend who helped me get the opportunity and I was excited to start. When I arrived home I noticed small changes—my emotions were fluctuating and I was having trouble sleeping. Little did I know that a full-blown manic episode was right around the corner.

I had a week off before starting my new job. I was struggling to sleep and my decision-making was getting more erratic. I didn’t want to ruin my new job opportunity so I hid my emotions from my family and friends. My father started to catch on to what was going on, but it was too late.

I knew I needed help, but didn’t want to go to the psychiatric hospital because of my past experiences there. I chose to go to a peer-run respite to spend the week prior to work, to pull myself together. I thought being surrounded by supportive people would help bring me back down to earth. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

The staff at the peer-run respite, Iris Place, found out quickly that they could not help me manage my mania. They talked to me multiple times about seeking professional help, but I ignored their suggestions because I feared what would happen if I went to the hospital. Eventually, I realized that I needed to get professional help. Unfortunately, my realization was too late.

I can’t remember the exact events that transpired before I realized this, but I remember waking up in the psychiatric hospital. My mania had gotten out of control, I was making irrational decisions, and the staff at Iris Place helped me finally find professional help. I felt defeated and was concerned about what would happen to my new job. However, I quickly found out that my new job was the least of my worries.

There were several events at the hospital that left me wondering whether psychiatric hospitals could do a better job of helping to heal their patients. I was restrained for over three hours the first day there. I was extremely manic and didn’t have much control over my actions.

When I left the psychiatric facility, the doctors had very little collaboration over what medication I should be taking. I was put on 25 milligrams of a medication called Haldol which made me hear voices and see things that didn’t actually exist. It took five months to slowly get off of the Haldol. During that time I was unable to work and drive a car. This was when I hit rock bottom.

I felt defeated and unsure about how I was going to rebuild my life. I didn’t know where to start. The Haldol made it hard to function and live a successful life. Slowly, my psychiatrists weaned me off the drug and put me on other medication. Five months after being released from the hospital, I was able to find a new job. When I look back on that progress alone, I’m very proud of how far I’ve come.

Today I have a job I love as an account executive for a company called BetterMynd. BetterMynd provides online therapy to college students. I’m engaged, I own a home, and, most importantly I have a strong support network of people who want to see me be successful. I feel in control and I’m excited about what the future has in store for me. For a long time I felt alone, but through this experience I learned that I am loved. It’s important to find the right people to talk to so you don’t suffer in silence.