Learning to Love Me for Me

By Stephanie Collinson

Suffering from anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation, Stephanie dropped out of school. If it wasn’t for her family, she wouldn’t have ever sought help. Day by day Stephanie learns how to love and take care of herself.

What a year 2020 was, I know many of us have struggled with having to deal with what has happened around us. I find it hard to express myself and I don’t give much away, but I felt that this is the right time to share a little bit about my own mental health story. I hope by doing this, it’ll normalize talking about mental health and encourage someone to speak up about how they feel.

Back in 2012, I had one of the worst years of my life. I struggled with becoming increasingly isolated at school (for several reasons), and from the pressures of a family situation at home. I experienced anxiety and depression but I didn’t recognize this immediately and therefore didn’t receive the help I needed. It started with being singled out and bullied, which happens to most students in schools, but it got so bad that I felt isolated and dreaded attending school. That’s when things got tricky and started to spiral out of control.

Transitioning from school into college was super difficult and I couldn’t manage it. By this point, I had developed IBS because of my crippling anxiety which caused me to be scared to leave the house. I had no support and no choice but to drop out. My friends and first boyfriend slowly walked away also which caused an emotional breakdown. I stayed in bed for two months straight. I didn’t see the point in anything—I felt like a failure and believed that no one cared. Ultimately, I didn’t want to be here anymore; no hope, no motivation, no future.

Those times were confusing, frustrating, sad, and lonely as I had no friends around me that really understood my situation. I felt like a burden when I thought about talking to anyone. I didn’t feel I could reach out to anyone and I just completely shut down. It was such an important time in my life as it was time to choose what to study to go onto university. I should have been thriving, but instead, I was barely surviving. I wanted to do well and succeed but I let what was going on socially and emotionally overtake my focus. I was singled out for being different and at the time I saw that as a weakness although now I see it as a strength.

If it wasn’t for some of my family members at the time, I wouldn’t have gotten through it and out the other side. Seeking out therapy a few months after this period, as well as seeing my GP who listened to my struggles and how I was, also supported my journey. This was the first positive step in trying to manage my thoughts and feelings. Volunteering and landing my first job was a great boost to my confidence, and this changed everything. Having a routine to get through each day was a huge help—the power of planning your day and sticking to it, is really underrated. Discipline is key!

Since then I have continued to struggle with both anxiety and depression. I have been on medication, I have been to a counselor several times, and I’m still trying to figure out how to manage it at times. Life happens and it can feel so overwhelming. I’m continuing to learn all the time. It’s a journey of healing and I’m glad I am on it. I’m learning more and more about myself every day and, even if slightly cliche, learning to love me for me.

It is nine years later and I’m in a much better place. After only falling a year behind at school, I earned a place at university to study occupational therapy. I’m now in a job that helps others to realize their potential when they can’t necessarily see it amid their own mental health struggles. I value being able to help people at their lowest point—being able to guide them to rediscover their passions in life and facilitate support for them on their own journey. It really is rewarding.

Mental health impacts everyone in some way and I’m sure many others have experienced similar circumstances and have not always understood how to get help. But all I can do is try to encourage you to reach out if you are struggling because despite what your mind tries to tell you, you are loved and people do want to listen. You have uniqueness you bring to the world and you shouldn’t let your mental health take that away from you!