Lyme Disease Gave Me a Second Chance

It was spring in 2017, and my husband was in the Netherlands spending time with his dying father. A couple of days before he passed away, I spoke with my father-in-law over the phone from Canada.

I had just received the results of my third Lyme disease test in four years. It was positive. After years of guessing, I finally knew what my mysterious symptoms were all about. It was Lyme disease.

My father-in-law’s last words to me were, “Now you can move on, you know what it is. It’s not in your head. You can really beat this.” Waterfalls of tears fell; sadness at his passing, of course, but also tears of hope. Tears for the fact that I wasn’t “crazy.” Tears for the years of desperation. Tears for feeling misunderstood. Tears of grieving for the life I used to have.

Chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, insomnia, brain fog, depression, and chronic sinusitis had a name now.

I had already done several treatments, but after the diagnosis, I became more aggressive. I took antibiotics for 18 months. I tried ozone therapy and vitamin IVs. I even traveled to the US for three stem cell treatments.

My instinct guided me that something was still wrong. My mind was a mess. Filled with childhood trauma, pain, and brain fog. An MD in the US talked to me about meditating. “Meditating?” I thought, “That’s for weirdos. But I’ll give it a try.”

And so I did.

What I hadn’t mentioned to that MD — or any of my doctors — was that I also had bulimia; for more than 20 years, starting when I was 18. Though using food as a coping mechanism had begun in childhood. Food was filling my loneliness, food was love, food was my safety. Food made me feel warm and fuzzy and was covering up my pain, my traumas. Food was lessening my feelings of abandonment. Food was my escape.

Meditation got me onto a path of personal growth and healing my traumas. Meditation forced me to slow down, to look within me instead of looking at others. I realized I was codependent; I was a people-pleaser. I was dependent on other people’s drama. I had been relying on diets and overexercising. I needed to learn to be dependent on just myself and to fully love and accept myself.

I endured my last bulimic episode at the age of 40. But Lyme forced me to address the lingering effects of the bulimia: binge eating. I couldn’t live and become healthy with that toxic eating pattern anymore. From ages 40 to 45, I hopped from diet to diet and nutrition coach to nutrition coach. Paleo, Keto, Clean Eating, vegan, I tried them all. I concluded that, for me, following a diet is 100% impossible.

I found a lifestyle that looked very promising to me. A combination of treating my Lyme disease and stomach issues using certain foods, with the variety of one night per week of my favorite “treat” foods. This routine solved my problem and, most importantly, taught me how to eat the foods that I had labeled as “bad” without guilt and shame. The most important thing is that I don’t diet anymore. No more cutting out food groups. I eat well, I lift weights, and I walk.

I started volunteering on the board of directors for the Lyme Disease Association of Alberta in April of 2018. This role was totally out of my comfort zone because, for most of my life, I had felt small, not seen, not heard, and unworthy. Others could do big things, not me. A limiting belief that stemmed from my childhood.

I enjoyed helping others through my volunteer work. So much so that I started three different education programs in my mid-forties: wellness coaching, nutrition coaching, and personal training. This was a big change from my previous career as a makeup artist and fashion stylist. I had also started law school in Amsterdam, in my early twenties, but had never finished. Going back to school in my forties was challenging, but this time I finished.

I started my own business using my new training and skills. I strongly felt that the enlightenment I experienced had to be experienced by others.

With every step forward, I felt anxious. I was overwhelmed and uncomfortable. But I continued on. I finally broke through my own barriers that had held me back for so long. I healed my traumas through some group programs, and life coaching.

I soon began coaching others, helping people change their eating habits in a safe way. My goal was to help people address binge eating. Soon I discovered, through myself and my clients, that it isn’t at all about the food. It’s about loving yourself. Giving deep and complete love. Accepting flaws. Forgiving self and others. Letting go of shame and guilt, of limiting beliefs. Healing past traumas. Becoming one with the inner child who was somewhere forgotten, deep inside. Letting go of the drama. Letting go of the pessimists. Dreaming big, and visualizing those dreams. Detaching from people, things, and food.

My business is evolving. I am now a fashion and wellness influencer, a public speaker, and I have a full schedule of coaching clients.

I still love fashion. As a young child, I would draw outfits and dream of fashion. I want people to know that having an interest in clothing and styling does not make a person shallow, a limiting belief I held onto for years. People shouldn’t feel guilty about taking care of themselves. Fashion for everybody, because everyone deserves to look and feel good.

My dream is finally coming true. I feel seen and heard. I know now that it’s ok not to fit in, that not fitting in is a blessing for me.

Lyme was a blessing because it forced me to address my hidden childhood trauma. It became clear to me that I felt stuck. Through meditation, I became more aware of myself, of the limiting stories I was telling myself. It made me aware that I was treating myself poorly, always putting myself down. I was my own worst enemy before the Lyme diagnosis. I had to dive through all the pain and traumas that had shaped my mind. I peeled off those layers of pain and healed step-by-step. Still, sometimes pain comes back to the surface, and I have to address it, acknowledge it, accept it, and fully love myself. Self-love, fully accepting the past, accepting all aspects of self — flaws and beauty — is the most powerful force in life. Self-love is where it all starts.

Lyme gave me a second chance. Lyme gave me the power to go after my dreams and live a big, bold life. A life that everyone deserves.