I have lost jobs, destroyed relationships, compromised myself sexually, and crashed cars. I have also contracted HIV, Hepatitis C, Viral Meningitis, had skull fractures and broken bones. I was homeless in San Francisco for 5 years. I put needles in my arm, drank to oblivion, picked through barrels for scraps and trinkets to sell, broke into cars, stole laptops, cameras, bikes, and money from other junkies. I attempted suicide twice. I walked into 6 different banks over 3 months with demand notes for money to supply my speed habit. I was arrested and sentenced to 6 years in the United States Penitentiary, all while my girlfriend was 6 months pregnant with our son. I could write volumes on the soul-crushing experience of high security and violent incarceration, but I am sure you get my drift.
Upon my release from prison, I attempted to go straight but had no idea what true recovery meant. I managed to stumble through federal supervised release, but once I was clear of that I began shooting speed heavily. I lost my job and felt like I was a deadbeat dad to my son, Sean, who I loved dearly. I was asked to leave our home and became homeless, psychotic, and delusional. During this time, my beloved son died tragically in an accident while visiting his grandmother. He was eleven years old. I sank further into IV speed use. The combination of drug use, Sean’s tragic death, as well as delusions and psychosis, led me to be committed to Napa State Hospital. This was the result of an assault committed during a methamphetamine-induced psychosis. I was found not guilty by reason of insanity in San Francisco Superior Court. Again, I could write volumes about what it was like to spend over three years in the Department of State hospitals, including a significant amount of time in Napa State Hospital’s Secure Treatment Area. Suffice to say that it was beyond anything I ever imagined and I will never forget it, nor do I wish to. All of this is part of who I am today. I would not be the person I am becoming without having experienced all of this— the good and the bad.
I learned about the 12 step recovery program at Napa State Hospital and was released in 2014. In 2015, I relapsed, but since then I have been sober for 2 and a half years. Here’s why I say anything is possible: I finally decided to ask for help. Social service agencies in San Francisco pointed me in the right direction. I started treating my medical conditions and was prescribed HIV drugs. In 2016, my clinic cured my Hepatitis C. I joined AA and got a sponsor who worked with me during the tough times of early sobriety. I got a case manager. I worked closely with the Forensic Aids Project through jail health services and slowly started to volunteer, exercise, quit smoking and took on service commitments. None of this happened overnight. It takes time. I fell into traps and had to work my way through them. I learned that it was ok for me to feel lonely, tired, and scared. I learned not to cover these feelings up with drugs and alcohol. I asked for support, and it was given. I learned that tough times will pass, as long as I didn’t return to the problem for the solution.
