Resilience Following the Virginia Tech Shooting

By Ann Jeffers

Content Notice: This story contains references to gun violence.

Following the shooting at Virginia Tech, Ann suffered from PTSD that affected her ability to teach. Ann sought help and after spending months working through the complex entanglement of her trauma history and mood disorder she emerged a more resilient person.

I am an Associate Professor of Engineering at the University of Michigan, but I used to be utterly terrified of teaching.

Let’s rewind: As a graduate student at Virginia Tech, I dreamed of writing a textbook. I loved how engineering concepts could be expressed in the language of calculus and complex phenomena described in terms of neat little equations. My experiences as a teaching assistant were rich and filled with rewarding interactions with students who often struggled with the advanced engineering concepts I taught. I was a straight-A student and on target to finish my doctorate degree in the most minimal time possible. I was propelling into an academic career and there was nothing that could stop me.

And then the shooting happened on April 16, 2007.

No, I wasn’t on campus the day that it happened, and no, I didn’t personally know anyone who was killed in the tragedy. But an event of that magnitude penetrates deeply, especially if it takes place in your part of campus and impacts your department in the way it did mine. I wasn’t spared the nightmares that followed, and later I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The first time that I taught a class of my own fell on the one-year anniversary of the shooting at Virginia Tech. I had anxiety over having to teach in general, and I was especially distraught over how to acknowledge the anniversary while at the same time provide some sense of normalcy to the students. I walked into class on April 16, 2008, and began class as usual, with no acknowledgment of the anniversary, because I craved normalcy and I was sure that was what my students wanted as well. Regardless of whether it was the right decision, I made it through my first semester of teaching successfully and I was determined to move on. I thought that nothing could be more difficult than teaching my first class at Virginia Tech on the one-year anniversary of the shooting.

Fast-forward to my time as a faculty member at the University of Michigan: I couldn’t move past my fear of teaching, but I faced my fears each day. I stepped foot in the classroom and I taught. I excelled at teaching and received numerous awards for my successes. For a long time, I kept my fears to myself, never letting my students know that I was terrified each time I stepped foot in the classroom. I scanned rooms for exits and planned my escape for the moment that a shooter entered my own classroom.

In 2013, I experienced severe mood swings and symptoms of psychosis (namely hallucinations and paranoia) and I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder. I was very ill, and my PTSD was at its worst. I continued to teach my classes, but I suffered greatly in silence. I didn’t want my employer to find out how ill I was, as I was nearing the point of being evaluated for tenure and promoted to Associate Professor. At one point during this time, a stranger entered my class and sat down in the classroom. He was most likely a student from another class, but I immediately saw him as a threat. I ended class abruptly that cold day in January and the panic ensued. The paranoia and nightmares came more frequently and vividly than before and I found myself unable to eat or sleep let alone interact with others in a “normal” or productive way. Each time I stepped foot in the classroom, I had to coach myself away from having a panic attack. I even took measures to avoid teaching in my regular classroom, including introducing a class project that allowed my students and me to work in the computer lab instead of the classroom. On the whole, it took me nearly a year to recover.

It wasn’t until I sought treatment for bipolar disorder in 2013 that I also learned how severely I had been affected by the Virginia Tech tragedy. I started therapy and medications, and I spent months working through the complex entanglement of my trauma history and my mood disorder. When the stranger entered my classroom, I was so debilitated that I needed immediate help. My therapist used intensive exposure therapy to help me overcome the symptoms of PTSD, and eventually, I was no longer overtaken by anxiety each time I taught. Moreover, through treatment, my bipolar disorder improved, and after years of medications and therapy, I emerged a stronger and more resilient person. Although some days strength and resilience may require more effort than I would like, I have found that staying in treatment and prioritizing self-care has helped to support me through those more trying times.

I share my story to give others hope. I want others to know that there is help for mental health challenges, both mild and severe, and that curated treatment can make life a lot easier and more manageable. I also want others to know that there is no shame in seeking help and that survivor’s guilt – no matter how severe – is unjustified. Trauma impacts us each in our own unique ways, and there is no sense in trying to compare our experiences to the experiences of others. The important thing to keep in mind is that, if the help you receive is inadequate, don’t give up hope. Treatment for mental illness is not always smooth or straightforward, but a better outcome can be achieved through persistence. The steady resilience that I have now is far worth the struggles I had to face to get to this point.