She’s Intense

By Anonymous

When she discovered she was a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), the lens through which she saw her past changed dramatically. It explained why she could feel nuances in the tone, body language, or facial expressions of others— especially her mother.

Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) make up fifteen to twenty percent of the population. Seventy percent are introverted and thirty percent are extroverted.

A handful of us are also sensation-seeking. Both men and women can have this trait. HSP men have always faced stigma in a hypermasculine society, which despises emotion as it’s often seen as a feminine quality.

HSPs are observant, highly creative, insulted easily, cry more frequently, are good at seeing things from a cultural perspective (individualism vs. collectivism), feel pain more deeply, are easily tired, (no surprise since their brains are working overtime).

We can’t go without decent sleep (jet lag and night shifts don’t suit us; our brains need more sleep), are more emotionally charged, and need downtime and low-stress situations more than non-HSPs, otherwise, we will be overstimulated. Some HSPs may have sensitivity to loud noise, lights, tastes, and touch. We can also have complex thoughts and even obsessions.

It’s not an abnormality or mental illness, so it cannot be “cured”. However, doctors like to make it seem bad and will prescribe antidepressants to HSP individuals.

Many of these sensitive patients will stop using them, as they cannot tolerate the side effects (or in other cases, the cost).

The psychologist who pioneered the positivity of this trait was Dr. Elaine Aron in the 1990s. Her book “The Highly Sensitive Person” (published in 1996) helped a lot of people. HSPs started to come out of the woodwork, happy to know that they weren’t “crazy” because they felt more in the physical and emotional sense. They realized they were actually perfectly normal beings.

Historically, when the trait was first discovered in the 1960s, it was considered bad because of a higher incidence of addiction, PTSD, and more.

However, there’s been more interest in the trait in the last few years. More people are coming forward as well, either taking an online test or self-identifying as Highly Sensitive.

Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) is the scientific term. There are educational books, blogs, podcasts, and Youtube channels in an effort to help dispel myths about HSPs (and to help HSPs navigate a world that’s not suited to them). For this reason, there’s more tolerance and even curiosity about it.

Discovering I was an HSP explained my fatigue as a kid, why I could sense my Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) mom’s anxiety, why injuries hurt really badly, why I was cautious, and why stress and I don’t mix.

It also helped explain why I had fibromyalgia.

My body experiences a physiological condition brought on by too much early life stress which is also called Central Sensitization. This means my body gets stuck in fight-or-flight mode and can’t seem to switch off to rest-and-digest mode. It changes the neurotransmitters in my brain and spinal cord, causing poor sleep, more pain, brain fog, and depression (but who wouldn’t, with all this going on?).

I was someone who faced a lot of stress early on in life. My parents divorced, then my dad died of a heart attack. He wasn’t exactly dad of the year as he cheated on my mom. I was too young to really have memories of him and besides, he lived with someone else. After this, we moved frequently because my mom went back to school for law (after working in geology). I was bullied a lot as a kid, as well. I have no idea why I was – I was the quietest, nicest girl in the room. Throw in the fact that by the time I was a young adult, I had no job.

Today, that remains the current situation. I hold a BA in history and am a writer by trade, but can’t seem to find a paid writing position.

I’m also on a novel-writing hiatus, too. I tried so hard and put so much pressure on myself to write a novel, but it just didn’t happen. It’s one of the things contributing to my (mild) depression and anxiety, though it’s not completely surprising, as many millennials are in the same boat.

I recently discovered my mother is (in psychological terms) emotionally immature (EI) and narcissistic, as they often co-occur. It explained why I experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (which happens when you have EI parents) and I was also parentified. Parentification is when the roles of parent and child are reversed (the child takes on the physical or mental support of the adult).

This occurs when parents divorce, are widowed, abuse substances, care for disabled siblings or spouses, live in poverty, or the parent themselves are physically incapacitated. It has a negative impact on the child, resulting in the child having neither the developmental capacity nor skills to handle adult issues.

They also aren’t getting their own emotional or physical needs met. Because of this, the child loses out on the innocence and joy of childhood and isn’t able to develop authentically. These children then become overly responsible and mature as a result of these situations.

Highly Sensitive children are prone to being parentified, as they are compassionate, warm, over-forgiving, and have an abundance of empathy.

I’ve since come to understand that I never learned boundaries and self-care as a kid and the chaotic environment I grew up in was not ideal.

My mother constantly invalidated me and projected her problems onto me. I also didn’t receive much praise and was overly criticized or compared negatively to peers – all this on top of being parentified. I was often told that I was “too sensitive”. This, as well as moving a lot and losing my dad twice— once through divorce and again through death— made life stressful.

I suspect that my mother was a workaholic (many ACOAs develop some type of addiction, even if it’s not alcohol or drugs). Every day her emotions would change.

One day she was happy, the next angry or frustrated, the third distracted or spaced out. Being a HSP without knowing it at the time, I could sense nuances in her tone, body language, or facial expression.

I couldn’t tell if she would be upset or not that day, so it was confusing. There was no warmth, no communication, or explanation of why she felt a certain way, so it left me thinking it was all my fault.

Highly Sensitive (HS) children are highly affected by their environments, relationships, and emotions. Thus, if they are raised in violent, abusive, neglectful, and traumatic families, they are prone to depression, anxiety, addictions, and even suicide, not to mention chronic health issues.

These include chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, fibromyalgia, and other long term-stress induced illnesses. This is due to the overreaction of the stress response system and the decrease of serotonin and dopamine in the brain.

If HS children are raised in an unconditionally loving, warm, safe environment, they will thrive more so than non-HS children. These children are less likely to have chronic health issues or mental illnesses.

Of course, not all HSPs are the same. They each have their own personality, their own experiences, and interests.

When it comes to my trait, I’m on the fence. I hate that I’m chronically ill but, of course, I’m stuck with it. I hate having to sleep so much, being around people who are emotional vampires drains me, and I wish I didn’t get overstimulated. There’s also the fact I’m always the giver in relationships and I never receive what I put in.

That being said, it’s all about boundaries, something I’m learning how to set. When I’m interacting with my mother, I try to use the grey rock method (a method that doesn’t allow a narcissist into your head), or else, I simply zone out. I often do the latter, as I’ve done for the majority of the time I have known her. You can never confront an emotionally immature person because they can’t self-reflect or empathize.

Being a HSP, I find it hard to make friends who get me. I don’t really socialize and with the pandemic, it’s been difficult. However, on the whole, I like that I’ve always been a good listener and people seem to enjoy being around me.