Sometimes We Scare Ourselves

I have struggled with my mental health my whole life, having been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and having doctors go back and forth about anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

One of my lowest points was when I turned 18. I was in college and was waiting for my significant other to be out of a late evening class. I was waiting in a private practice room for music students. There was a knock at the door, and when I opened it, a man forced his way in and assaulted me.

After he left, I got help to call the police. I was at the hospital and asked for them to call my mom. When I asked my mom to come to be with me in the hospital, she said no because she had work in the morning.

After attempting to heal from the assault and heartache about my mother’s choice for a few weeks, I got in a fight with my dad and he kicked me out.

My ex said I could stay with him, but that was short-lived due to emotional abuse. I was left homeless and hurting. I had been sleeping 17 hours a day and my mental illnesses were not being treated anymore. I started engaging in risky behavior like getting high and drunk with strangers, going places with people I didn’t know, carrying weapons, and dating people I knew were bad for me. I had convinced myself that if safe behavior wasn’t going to keep me safe and loved, why bother being safe?

I have struggled with suicidal ideation, and I attempted suicide when I was a teenager. I decided I should just die after six months of my family not bothering to see if I was even alive and having friends turn their backs on me while I was being assaulted, abused, and abandoned. I wasn’t living a good life, anyway. One of my homeless friends found me after I cut myself and passed out. They saved my life.

I spent a year being homeless with untreated mental illness and putting myself in dangerous situations. This helped me realize how serious my illness was.

Living through this made me more aware of the people around me in bad situations, like being homeless. I have made a conscious effort to help people find treatment for their own mental health struggles, and I try to be a safe place for people to talk about what they have been through because I didn’t have that, and it almost killed me.

I realized I needed to cut ties with the people who were encouraging my risky behaviors when I got so drunk I could hardly walk, and none of my friends cared, but the significant other of someone I barely knew did. She told her boyfriend to drop her off at the bus stop so he could give me a ride home because she was worried about my safety.

I was embarrassed and reluctant to accept the help when I was told she did that. The next day, I couldn’t stop thinking about what her boyfriend had relayed to me and started questioning the amount of care she had for someone she had only met once, and my friends not only didn’t care but wanted me to do dangerous things.

I thought about all the dangerous things I had done: going to hotel rooms with strangers and drug addicts, getting in cars with strangers, accepting drugs from strangers, fighting with my friend’s pimp to get her out of sex work. All of these things could have killed me.

I stopped abusing drugs and alcohol and started talking to an old friend, talking through what happened to me and why I did some of the harmful things I took part in. I used my education in psychology to recognize some of the patterns that had manifested, and this helped me and my friend in making detailed plans to avoid falling back into my cycle of self-harming.

We are now engaged, and we support each other in our growth. We have agreed to talk to each other about harmful thoughts and emotions we have, and we have a support system of friends who we are very open with about our struggles. This system of support is helpful because we are constantly sharing our experiences, both past, and present, and that stops any problems from getting too big. It also makes any changes in behavior obvious to several people, who can then intervene.

All of us have had struggles so we can all feel safe sharing without judgment. It’s an amazing feeling being able to admit flaws and needs to a receptive friend group.