The Stressed Miss

From my earliest memories, I remember being nervous or on edge or always thinking something was going to go wrong. I was scared of so many things: dogs, sirens, helicopters, not knowing where my brother or my Dad were—you name it and chances are I could find some way to be afraid of it. Despite being known as a very outgoing, bubbly person, my internal thoughts were filled with dread. Overwhelmed and consumed with the concept of uncertainty I would think, “What if…?” and my thoughts would run rampant. If I thought about the unknown for too long, I would become paralyzed, burdened with feelings, caught in this spiral of pure terror. I overcompensated in order to feel “normal.” But what is “normal” really?

My upbringing was pretty standard, some would even say it was fortunate. I grew up on a cul-de-sac in the suburbs of San Diego. I had friends, danced, went to church: all very middle-of-the-road. Yet, I was consumed with these unwarranted ongoing thoughts that something bad was going to happen. It was like I was waiting for something bad to happen so that when it did, I was mentally prepared. But in truth, I was never ready for bad things to happen. I mean, who is?

I am beyond blessed that my Mom took me to a counselor and helped me start the journey to navigating these awful feelings. Getting diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder were a Godsend. The diagnosis meant that I was not alone and that I was not just making this up. Other people went through it too.

It has been about 13 years since I was first diagnosed and there have been some really high highs and some equally low lows. Navigating how to interact in this world, while also trying to heal and learn about yourself is complicated, but manageable. I have learned that being honest with myself and with others is how I can mitigate my anxiety. I know that I have gotten this far because of the world I have sought out and created for myself.

My support system is out-of-this-world. I now fill my life with people that make me better and I do the things that I want to do. People-pleasing has always been something that has coupled with my anxiety. When others get upset with me, it usually puts me into a tailspin. What I have learned is that it is usually because I am setting boundaries in a way that they do not like. And that is okay. But it is also okay for me to assert what I need in order to grow. I have also learned that disagreements do not mean wars are going to take place and that, ultimately, being liked by everyone is not authentic and literally not possible.

As I speak about how I have been able to transform my life, it has taken (and still takes) a lot of introspection. Two of the most important core values for me are understanding and authenticity. Growing into the person that I am has not been linear, even though I have tried my hardest to make it seem that way. My imperfections allow me to help others who may be going through something similar. By living within my core values, I am able to support people in their journeys, whether that is mental health-related or not. I always wanted my mental health to not be a huge component of my life, however, this is simply not the case. I always find myself talking about the importance of speaking your truth and not masking it or blending in because we are never actually alone. With over 7 billion people on this planet, it seems impossible to “feel” alone, however, our minds can tell us otherwise. This is why I speak my truth even when it is hard and uncomfortable. In the end, I know that if I am able to just get through to one person who may be feeling like no one else is going through something like I have, it is worth my feelings of discomfort and vulnerability.

I believe that working on my mental health is going to be ongoing and I am no longer upset about this. I used to be so angry that I was handed these cards of mental illness. I treated it like a death sentence. Even though for me, being diagnosed was extremely helpful and relieving in a lot of ways, at the same time, I still dealt with extreme self-stigma because this diagnosis now tarnished my facade of perfection.

So inevitably, I tried controlling a situation and spun it as, “despite all these things I still got it together”. I thought working in the mental health field would heal my wounds of being diagnosed. I decided to go to school and major in Psychology. I was a part of ActiveMinds (a mental health awareness club) in my undergrad, was an intern at my university’s Counseling and Psychological Services, conducted research on stigma elimination with high school students, was a guest speaker for mental health-related events, oversaw and partook in a speaker’s bureau focused on mental health, conducted trainings on mental health recovery, and for the past four years have been working for a peer-run organization, my self-stigma gleamed. The same thoughts kept reappearing where I would think, “yeah I have issues, but others have it worse than me and thank God that is not my story,” or, “I work in mental health, this is me acknowledging that I have lived experience.”

I always talked about my own mental health journey as if I always had everything figured out when in reality, that is the farthest from the truth. My conversations always felt surface level though I am not a surface-level person. I preached that speaking your truth is how you heal yet, did not speak my own truth when my most genuine interactions with others have been when I am my most authentic self.

As I navigate the many intersections that create who I am and who I have become, I have learned that even the strongest, most noble, most “perfect” of people go through silent battles most people will never know about. So, while I still have my good and bad days, I am now equipped with various tools that can help me work through my feelings of anxiety. I have learned that one of my biggest strengths is being able to share my lived experience so that others can feel safe to do the same. While I come with a myriad of privileges being able to talk openly about my mental health in an honest way with little to no repercussions, I hope that I can continue to move the barometer in the direction of allowing everyone to be able to speak out so that the conversation around mental health continues to build momentum and becomes continuous, regular dialogue amongst ourselves. I am happiest when I am able to be myself. Cultivating a life where I can be myself has allowed me to increase others’ understanding that mental health is synonymous with physical health and that having mental health challenges is not something to be ashamed of.