Finally in the Light

I didn’t know it at the time, but when I met Jim (name changed), my world would change in a lot of negative ways. I was going through a lot those days. I had just moved in with a friend whom I used to date, and I had cut ties with my stepmother. Needless to say, I was in a pretty vulnerable place.

I had always prided myself on being a caretaker in relationships, not realizing this meant neglecting my own needs.

The first time Jim came over to my apartment, he was drunk. I had always prided myself on being a caretaker in relationships, not realizing this meant neglecting my own needs. As most people are in the beginning of a relationship, I was pretty infatuated. I missed some of the red flags, such as his experimentation with pills and his need to get high. He also had an excessive drinking problem. What’s worse, he told me if I got pregnant with his baby, he would leave me. It bothered me, but I simply found it too unbelievable to be true. No way would someone do that.

Our relationship was a whirlwind. We dated for five years and moved around to different places. We got kicked out of the first apartment we had together because of smoking marijuana, so we ended up living at his parents’ place. During the time we lived together, he couldn’t hold down a job, which put a lot of stress on me. There were long periods of me being the sole provider and household caretaker while he played video games and didn’t do much to contribute.

He also began lightly hitting me — which I didn’t identify as abusive because the hitting wasn’t hard. When I would confront him about it, he would deny he ever hit me. But the worst thing he would do was try to coerce me into oral sex. I never liked it, and he knew that. I would say no, but he would beg and beg until I gave in. I spoke to my aunt about this and she told me I shouldn’t give in, but it’s hard when you are being badgered about it every hour of the day.

Our relationship was quite tumultuous and we would fight about money and his drinking. After looking back on the relationship, I didn’t realize how bad his drinking problem had become. He would call me names, like bitch, dumbass — you name it. He would make jokes about how he would love to have sex with another woman. He would sometimes say a phrase he knew my past abuser would say — on purpose because he knew it was triggering to me. As things got worse, the hitting became more frequent and so did the begging for oral sex.

When friends told me this wasn’t okay, I knew in my heart that they were right, but I think I may have just been afraid of being alone.

One time I did end up leaving the relationship for a week, but I decided to come back because I felt that things would be different, that he had learned his lesson. We had a talk about the situation and he apologized. Honestly, I shouldn’t have gone back, but I was blinded by both love and not feeling like I deserved better. To me, this was love, because even though he could be so mean, he could sometimes be really sweet. When friends told me this wasn’t okay, I knew in my heart that they were right, but I think I may have just been afraid of being alone.

I continued to stay years into the relationship. We did eventually leave his parents and found our own apartment. Again, I began fantasizing about leaving the relationship because I was angry and over it all. I knew this was abusive and unhealthy, but I was also scared and confused. Jim’s drinking continued, and he would often get blackout drunk. Sometimes he would not remember the worst moments. But I would.

The scariest thing he ever did was put a pillow to my face. Sometimes he liked to get on top of me and basically squish me with his body, and I never liked that. He knew I didn’t like it, but honestly, he did a lot of things he knew I didn’t like. Him begging for oral sex was an ongoing issue, and he even said that he would find someone else to do it if I wouldn’t. He would also ejaculate in my face even when I told him I didn’t like it. I don’t know why I put up with it for so long.

When I reflect on these times, especially when the abuse first began, I see now that I just brushed it off. I struggled to understand how bad it really was. His hitting wasn’t hard, but over time my body would react to it. I began flinching at his movements. These were the moments I knew this was a survival reflex and something I needed to pay attention to.

After we broke up, it was a nightmare because we had to live together due to financial issues. Thankfully he eventually moved out, and I started working through the traumatic events with my therapist. I had a lot of trust issues and pain to work through. I felt that every man would hurt me. I was deeply wounded and felt I would never, ever find love. After all, what’s the point in love if you just get hurt?

After some time and being around friends, I started to feel better. I started to really see what I wanted in a partner and that I did indeed deserve to be treated with respect. I also started to realize that I can’t save everyone — I can only save myself. As I dipped back into the dating pool, I began to recognize the red flags in some men I matched with on the dating apps, and I immediately unmatched them. I am proud that I got to a place where I didn’t just date someone because I thought it was meant to be or because maybe I could help them. I broke a relationship pattern of being codependent and dating someone who I felt I needed me.

It’s very difficult to see how bad a situation or relationship really is until you get out of it. After going to therapy, consulting a spiritual mentor, and taking time for myself to process everything that happened and heal, I eventually realized how bad it really was. It was like I was under some spell and no matter what anyone told me, I didn’t quite have the ability to get out. In the end, I had to be the one to break the spell myself. I’m thankful I did. I always knew deep down I deserved better, and now I see my worth.

Even though I wish none of this had happened, I don’t regret going through what I experienced.

Even though I wish none of this had happened, I don’t regret going through what I experienced. I believe it made me wiser and more aware of what I will and will not tolerate in a partner. I am now married to someone who I am very proud to be with. I could tell there was something special about him. Of course, I’ve had my moments of worrying about whether or not I’m good enough or why he would want to be with me, but he treats me well and loves me wholly. We are both respectful of each other.

Now I understand how a healthy relationship functions. It feels amazing to be living in the light after escaping what felt like a black hole.