A Diamond in the Rough

I never thought hearing something as commonplace as someone’s telephone ringing loudly would be a trigger, but there I was on the bus one day in a panic as my childhood trauma came rushing back. That loud telephone sound hit me like a slap, just like the ones that came from my stepdad. We all experienced growing pains as a child, and for me, it was wetting the bed. I was twelve years old and still “having accidents,” and I guess my stepdad had had enough. He hooked up some kind of device to my bed, and it would ring like a loud telephone. To this day, I still don’t understand what was going on, and everything is a blur. I just remember that at night, I would often dream that I was in the woods. I’ve always loved nature, so I guess it would often appear in my dreams as a place I could run away to and feel safe. At some point in the dream, I would squat down to pee in those woods, only to be shocked awake by the sounds of a loud telephone coming from that device. My stepdad was a military man, and I can only guess that he was using this device – and his aggression – to condition me out of wetting the bed. But he was actually conditioning me in a different way – I knew when I heard the ringing of that device, his beatings would follow. For my stepdad, everything could be solved with a beating.

No child deserves the kind of physical abuse I experienced at the hands of my stepdad.

For a young child, this is obviously traumatizing. Why would he do this to me? No child deserves the kind of physical abuse I experienced at the hands of my stepdad. I felt abandoned by my mother, who would just step back and allow it to happen. Why? I have no understanding of their actions, and it would affect me into my adulthood. For 17 years, I struggled with drugs and alcohol as a way to bury my childhood trauma. No matter how hard I tried, I found myself back in my childhood bedroom, reliving those experiences.

It wasn’t until someone dear to me suggested I go to therapy that my healing began. I ended up being there for seven years, peeling back the layers of why I was escaping through drugs and alcohol, as a result of childhood trauma. During this time I found out so much about myself – just how strong I really was and my resilience.

I understood that I could also tell my story and that by sharing it, I could help so many others.

I also realized that I wasn’t alone, and that others had experienced similar obstacles as well. I understood that I could also tell my story and that by sharing it, I could help so many others. Releasing my trauma has been so therapeutic for me, and I learned some techniques that I can now use to bring myself back to reality when I am feeling low. I struggle less now, and therapy and self-care taught me to not only love myself but to forgive my stepdad for what he did to me so that I could grow. We no longer have a relationship, and that is fine with me. I am free from what my stepdad did to me because I took my power back. I know that I must go out into the world because I have a bigger job to do, which is to teach and help others understand that they can survive their struggles with mental health and abuse and that there are others out there who are willing to support them on their journey and who have experienced some of the same things. That’s why I love my community.

My trauma has become more rewarding than challenging, and that is what is most important to me. Although it contributed to my addiction, it is also at the heart of what allowed me to overcome it. I’ve built my future around helping others do the same thing. I have worked for Jail Behavioral Health Services and have been a Domestic Violence Case Manager. I am thriving in the community and have been clean for over 12 years. Now, I have an associate’s degree in addiction studies and another one in behavioral sciences. I’m currently working on my bachelor’s degree in sociology, and next month, I’m taking my exam to become a certified drug and alcohol technician. I’m stronger and better than ever, and I focus on self-healing, spiritual meditation, Zumba, nature walks, going to the beach, my new granddaughter, and spending time with my loved ones. I know who I am today. What happened to me and why it led to addiction makes sense to me now, but it does not define me. I am not crazy. I am unique, but I am not alone. I have helped so many people open up about their childhood trauma, and I have been praised for being transparent and keeping it real. And that’s what I will continue to do for myself and others.

Yolanda Morrissette is a lover of poetry, Zumba, hiking, and cooking. She is passionate about helping others, has studied behavioral health extensively, and is very involved in her community. Her greatest joy is maintaining her recovery and being a mom and new grandmother.