A Bipolar Superpower

In 2013, I was in college in Denver, Colorado, when I began to feel serious symptoms of bipolar disorder. My episodes began with me just staying up a couple days a week and not getting any sleep, but as time progressed, I began to stay up for days at a time and struggled with debilitating depression. At the time, getting no sleep seemed to be a regularity on a college campus, so none of my friends told me something was wrong when I let them know I was staying up all night multiple times a week. I was having a hard time, but no one else could see that because I was socializing, doing my homework, and was always “happy.”

The darkness inside of me didn’t want me to exist, and it was a battle every day to get up and conquer the day.

It was a different story when I got home from school. It took a lot of energy to paint a picture for everyone else that things were normal with me. At home, all the protective walls came down, and the symptoms of bipolar came out. I would come home and, feeling manic, clean the house all night, then wake up feeling depressed and suicidal. It affected the way I lived. By March 2013, I was struggling. My grades had gone from As and Bs to Fs. I was almost put on academic probation. I was staying home more because of depression and made excuses to professors so I didn’t have to go to class. Looking back now, I had obvious episodes of mania and depression.

I remember the episodes making me feel like I was on a boat going through rough water. I couldn’t understand why I was doing particular things, like staying up for weeks at a time, eating a ridiculous amount of food, reorganizing my room up to three times a day, and cleaning obsessively. I also couldn’t get my mind around why I was so depressed. It wasn’t as though I’d gotten a bad grade on a test, but a deep depression that was slowly killing me inside. The darkness inside of me didn’t want me to exist, and it was a battle every day to get up and conquer the day.

In March 2013, I found myself in the emergency room in Denver, and a week later, I was in a psychiatrist’s office in Marin County, California, where I grew up. I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn’t know what to do with my diagnosis and the stigma it carried. How was I going to tell my friends? What about my family? How was I going to survive?

Fast forward to 2019. When I look back at my journey with bipolar disorder, it’s the best thing that has happened to me. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I have survived. The first thing I remember thinking when I was first diagnosed was that I would never get married or fall in love. In 2018, I married my best friend and overcame that worry. I met my husband online, and it was nerve-racking to be so open about having bipolar disorder. I was straightforward about my diagnosis, and he took it quite well. When he told me my diagnosis wasn’t anything to be judged, I knew he was a keeper.

I’ve discovered that taking medication is not as bad as I thought it would be. Medication helps me stay stable and enables me to live the life I am living now–the life that I love. I find humor in the fact that I have to drink so much water because I take lithium. While others rate restaurants on their food, I personally rate them on how fast they refill my water glass because I am thirsty all the time.

People might think it is ridiculous to be thankful for my manic and depressive episodes, but I truly am. The mania has taught me how not to live life–being impulsive and not thinking things through–but it has also given me some of my best memories.

The depression has taught me that I want to live with standards that promote well-being and a positive outlook on life.

I’ve overcome so many obstacles by having the experience of being in a manic and depressive state of mind, but stability feels like home.

My manic and depressive episodes have given me confidence that I can take on the world.

I met my husband because I was manic enough to create an online dating profile, and I got a dog that aided in my recovery because I was manic, as well. I’ve overcome so many obstacles by having the experience of being in a manic and depressive state of mind, but stability feels like home.

To me, stability is having neither manic or depressive episodes, but being in the middle. Stability seemed impossible when I was experiencing mania and depression. I thought I would always experience the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. But being stable is possible.

I need to rely on family, friends, doctors, caregivers, and even strangers. Even though it was hard, I put my life out there for people I didn’t know. I blogged and spoke about my experience with bipolar disorder, and strangers resonated with my story and helped me come to terms with my diagnosis by giving me unconditional support. They gave me hope.

It has taken me six years to accept my diagnosis and feel like I can coexist with it. I think of my diagnosis as a best friend. It challenges me, but over time, it has created someone–me–that I’ve grown to love.

Be patient with your journey. Whether it’s through a book or even a YouTube video, seek out examples of people who have overcome some of your worst fears. Volunteer, exercise, eat healthily, and write. My therapist always tells me that you can check a negative thought and then change it into a better, more realistic thought. You can do the same when it comes to your life. I’ve realized through my journey with bipolar disorder that it is so easy to be ungrateful for things that come into our lives. Once I switched my point of view about my diagnosis, everything changed. When I accepted my diagnosis, doors opened for me. I became a writer because I started to share my story. I became healthier, fell in love, got married, and now am about to graduate with a degree in psychology. Everything became manageable, rather than feeling impossible.

When I was struggling with my diagnosis, I had to believe that things were going to get better. I had to have patience, find support, reach out, be open, accept challenges, and be kind to myself. When I found out that other people lived successfully with bipolar disorder, it changed my world. I said, “If they can do it, I can do it.”

Susan Page Gadegone has been working in the mental health care space in various capacities. She is a mental health advocate with a passion for technology and design. She believes in a world where people feel seen, their health taken seriously, and where stigma isn’t prevalent. Her favorite activities are being outside, drawing, puzzles, and cooking.