Incorrigible

I remember finding a file with my name on it in my dad’s cabinet. It was farther behind his usual business files. I couldn’t have known how my life and future would change irrevocably, all because I needed a phone book. I remember simply thinking it was strange there would be a file with my name on it. I took the file to my room and flipped through the pages: MD reports, letters from family members, letters I had written to friends when I went to live with my grandparents that had been intercepted and sent to my parents. I remember saying out loud, What are these doing here? I was still in a state of confusion but was becoming more frantic and agitated. I had a pit in my stomach. By the time I got to the letter from the psychiatrist at the children’s hospital with his recommended treatment plan—the school in Ohio—I knew I was in danger. I was trembling all over.

He also informed my parents that I was “hopeless and incorrigible” and that I should be removed from my home and sent away to a school out of state.

I have no other memories of that time other than a snapshot of being in the courtroom. I believe I was testifying. The next memory I have of this event was looking for an apartment. I recall showing the landlord my legal emancipation papers so that he knew I could legally sign the lease. I was 15 and was diagnosed as a “schizophrenic nymphomaniac” by a psychiatrist at the children’s hospital in Detroit, Michigan. He also informed my parents that I was “hopeless and incorrigible” and that I should be removed from my home and sent away to a school out of state. Apparently, my family all agreed this would be best too.

Over the course of 50 years, I haven’t talked about this often. It was a painful time, as I felt my entire world was shattering in front of my eyes. Things had been strained between my mother and me, but I didn’t think my dad would ever betray me. I’ve been told by a lawyer that obtaining legal emancipation isn’t easy, and it would’ve likely been harder in 1972, especially with my mental health diagnoses. And yet I did get it. How did I do it? How did I even know legal emancipation was an option? Did my parents object? I once asked my father about this time period, and he said, “I don’t remember. It was a very painful time for me.” I remember thinking, I’m sure it was. Imagine what it was like for me.

Britney Spears is my new hero. Listening to her, reading articles, and watching her documentary has brought me back to the events that led to my near 50-year relationship with the mental health system. As a longtime mental health service provider and professor, I have often been afraid that my diagnoses would be publicized, and that I would lose clients and jobs. As it turns out, I have lost several jobs, not due to my mental diagnoses, but due to my refusal to engage in harmful interventions with clients. As I age, I wonder how differently my story might have turned out. While I don’t indulge in regrets, I do speak of how my work today is to help families have better outcomes than my own.

I have been in pain for as long as I can remember. One of my oldest and clearest memories as a three-year-old child is of my arm being held down in a bowl of tepid water by nurses in the emergency room. While attempting to get my hairbrush off a shelf I couldn’t reach, I had fallen on top of a glass Mateus bottle filled with water and a plant cutting. Falling on the bottle cut a vein in my wrist badly, though gratefully it just missed an artery. Screaming and terrified, all I could think of was the searing pain I was in. We didn’t know then that I likely already had fibromyalgia.

Those same qualities as a teen made me incorrigible and what today would be labeled “oppositional defiant,” because I refused to do what other adults said simply because they said I should.

I’ve also been labeled a drug addict. I freely admit I did use drugs problematically for two decades. I admit that I have a brain that works differently than others. As a child, that made me a precocious, genius-level kid who everyone thought was delightful. Those same qualities as a teen made me incorrigible and what today would be labeled “oppositional defiant,” because I refused to do what other adults said simply because they said I should. I would argue everything. It wasn’t because I wanted to be “a problem,” rather I did this in search of a logical explanation for things. I was extremely curious and remain so today. That same characteristic could be categorized as a problem or a strength, depending on whose lens it’s being seen through. I prefer to see it as a strength, and I’m able to do that most of the time. I’ve also been told that today I would be diagnosed as “neurodivergent.” Furthermore, I have learned from trauma experts that too often women especially are diagnosed as having bipolar disorder (as I was eventually), when in reality the mimicking symptoms are more likely due to trauma. In my experience, clinicians don’t typically ask about trauma nor do they diagnose it often. Gratefully, this has begun to change in recent years.

The last part of my story is my decision to go off all my psychiatric drugs. I had been medicated for at least three decades and realized I really wanted to see what life would be like fully aware and fully feeling a range of emotions. I informed my MD as well as my therapist, friends, family, and my boss at the time. I asked them all to let me know of any changes they saw around my emotional well-being. I was also deeply upset when I discovered that none of the pharmaceutical companies even had withdrawal protocols on their websites. I also took myself off one of my pain medications, as I believe it caused some serious memory problems during the years I was on it. None of these changes were easy, and I struggled in many ways. I’m grateful we live in a time where we have websites with good information on the process of coming off medications as well as the connection to supportive people who have had experience with these changes.

Today I continue to work on ways to improve my overall health. I’m invested in doing my own healing with support from my own team. This is an expensive route to take, but I am feeling much better in so many ways. For instance, there are times when I must turn off the news, as I can get too activated. I randomly cry some days, which I’m actually happy about, as it means I am feeling the full range of human emotions. I no longer try to push away feeling down or sad. I have come to embrace the idea that this feeling is usually grief, which is often precipitated by fear. I can now ask myself, What’s making you sad right now? I do what I can to “turn into” these emotional events instead of avoiding them.

I continue to work hard to help others be at peace with their lives in whatever way is real for them.

I also talk a lot more about my journey. I continue to work hard to help others be at peace with their lives in whatever way is real for them. Sadly, we still live in a world, in a culture, that applauds those who behave in ways that others find acceptable, and this is especially true for women, people of color, and other marginalized groups. The world is mainly built for white men. Some are encouraging change, as they’ve seen that while it may hold certain advantages, their world isn’t as good as it could be when we don’t include everyone at the table. I am hopeful.

I have reclaimed the term incorrigible for myself. I AM incorrigible, and I now embrace that label instead of allowing it to harm me because I can see the positive aspects of it. As other groups have done, I believe there’s real power in reclaiming labels. I AM “unrepentant” and “unashamed” and “unapologetic.” When I’m advocating for my clients or others who are dismissed, ignored, or told they’re not enough as they are, that’s when I am my fiercest because I have been where they are. I am who I am—and I know of many folx who would say the world is worse for it, but I also know many who have said they’re better for knowing me. I recently heard a quote from the 2008 documentary film called “After the Party: Dominick Dunne” that resonated with me: I am “a human being in development,” and I believe that’s the only reasonable goal if we are to be fully human.

Dee-Dee Stout is a Master’s-level counselor, professor, author & trainer who works in addiction with families, individuals & couples all over the world using harm reduction strategies. She has 2 books in the series Coming to Harm Reduction Kicking & Screaming, the latest dropped in March 2025.