My Story–Meds to Mindfulness

My story begins in 1982 when I was driving an old Mercedes Benz 1418 truck. Suddenly, out of the thick fog, the back of a stationary truck appeared. I didn’t even have time to think and yanked on the steering wheel in a hopeless effort to avoid a crash. That’s the last thing I remember until I regained consciousness in the hospital. I found out later that I died in that accident and was revived at the scene. There was no white light or any sort of after-death experience, just blackness. Coming back, however, was an unforgettable experience, which I still cannot find words for.The solid steel bonnet of my rig rolled up, smashed through the windscreen, and killed my dog instantly.

One minute, I was living a “normal,” family-oriented, happy life, and the next it was taken away from me.

I have no doubt that my guardian angel was with me that day. I had a conviction that I was somehow saved for a reason, so I started a quest to get answers. What happened to me? Why was I alive? I studied history, religions, and cultures, searching for answers. Little did I know that my battle was only just beginning. I had multiple physical injuries, but that was nothing compared to the psychological impact on my life. One minute, I was living a “normal,” family-oriented, happy life, and the next it was taken away from me. It wasn’t long after the accident that I started suffering from stress and anxiety. My mind was like a drunken monkey, very busy and all over the place!

Later that year, I had my first vision and chased after it. I was unable to catch that vision because I didn’t understand it at that time, and I spent some time in the mental health unit of a local hospital. I was told that I had experienced psychosis. Depression followed, and I was labeled manic-depressive. Medication was given in an effort to level out my moods. I had more visions in 1984, 1987, and 1992. Each time was a different story with the same result: hospitalization and heavy medication. The depression in between the highs was more severe each time. All sorts of drugs were used with little effect. At one point, electric shock treatment was used, but it seemed that there was no hope. I was told by medical authorities that I would never be cured, never work again, and would have to take medication for the rest of my life.

I was ashamed that I had a mental illness and refused to talk about it or get help from the mental health system.

By 1997, I was at rock bottom. I was ashamed that I had a mental illness and refused to talk about it or get help from the mental health system. It was my dark secret. Later that year, I had another vision. “Oh no!” I cried out to myself, “Not again!” I thought I was having a fifth manic episode, but this time I thought quietly, “If this is you, God, you can come to me this time. I’m not going to chase after this anymore!” I decided to put it behind me and let it go.

On Friday that same week, I answered a knock on the door and got a very pleasant surprise. It was an old friend whom I had not seen since before my accident. It turned out that he had moved to Sydney to become a professional punter. He visited owners and trainers to gather information about their horses. In the beginning, he was very successful, but eventually, gambling got the better of him, and he lost everything. He went on to tell me his story, how he had hit rock bottom and was saved by the power of the Holy Spirit. “Do you believe?” my friend asked. I then told him that I only believed in the dark side and shared the experience that I’d had ten years before.

It was five o’clock on a very cold morning in May. I had woken up from a very bad dream. I was terrified. I left the house, dressed only in shorts and a singlet, and started to run. I didn’t feel the cold on my bare feet; all I felt was fear. I ran over five kilometers and ended up on the banks of a river at dawn. It was a quiet place, and for a moment, I felt peaceful. Suddenly, a powerful message became apparent in my mind. “Kill yourself, or your youngest child will die!” I screamed at the top of my voice, “NO! F**K YOU! GO AWAY!” I then collapsed onto my knees and broke down in tears. I picked out a gum tree and seriously considered suicide. A tiny voice in the back of my mind said, “There’s a reason, and you’ll get through this.” Later that day, I ended up back in the hospital.

I was then baptized by full immersion.

My friend prayed for me and suggested that I go to a meeting at the house of a friend who was starting a new home church. He also explained how it was a Spiritual prompt that made him visit. He then continued his travels, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I am certain that he was indeed sent by God. Interestingly the date of his visit was October 10, which became World Mental Health Day! Two days later, I went to the home church on the other side of town. It turned out to be a praise and worship-type meeting with music, singing, and prayers. A visiting elder asked me if I wanted to give my life to Jesus and be baptized. I said, “Sure! I’m on the road to nowhere anyhow!” He went to the boot of his car and pulled out a portable baptismal tank, which was set up in the backyard. I was then baptized by full immersion.

As I came up out of the water, I was praying in tongues. I had never even heard of tongues before that day and have been praying that way ever since. I love the emotion that I feel and the fact that it is a prayer from the heart and not the mind. It wasn’t like an overnight miracle, but my life slowly began to change. In some ways, it was like waking up from a nightmare and turning on the light. My blinders came off, and I could see things clearly. I was able to stop smoking and go off medication. My daily walk with the Divine had begun, and I never fail to feel connected. Most importantly, I didn’t feel depressed anymore! I finally had the black dog of my depression securely on a leash.

The incident at the Sydney Railway Station taught me that we are all connected with each other. My relationship with God/the Universe has taught me that we are all connected through Spirit. There are no coincidences in life. When you pray and want something bad enough, things will happen. You will meet the right people, at the right time. I now understand why the Bible is called the Living Word! As I read the Word, God spoke to me. There were heaps of “aha” moments too! These are moments when your Spirit lines up with Divine Spirit, a kind of “knowing.” One moment, in particular, was extremely powerful, much more than any other. Similar to the dark epiphany I had in 1987, but this one was from the Light! The message was, “Help the mentally ill!” I remember looking up to the heavens and saying, “Whoa! But Lord, I am one of them!” It seemed so ridiculous at the time, but it was to become my passionate purpose. There is no way I could even remotely envision that I would end up writing two books and have almost a million “likers” on my Facebook page, John Shearer Mindfulness Mentor.

I got my life back and have never looked back, except to see how far I’ve come.

I value my “dark” years now because I overcame many fears and learned heaps of life lessons. I now know the truth about what happened to me, but it is easy to be wise looking back. In ‘82, ‘84, ‘87, & ‘92, I experienced what is now known as a spiritual crisis or emergency. I had no way of knowing what was really going on until my old friend shared his story. It was that story that led to my spiritual emergence in 1997. I got my life back and have never looked back, except to see how far I’ve come.

I also know now that bipolar disorder is a gift. It’s not a gift that you would wish on anyone, that’s for sure, but when you wake up to what’s really going on, it is life-changing. I have had times of mania since 1997, but these are simply times when I am totally inspired. I require no medication because I am in control of my mind, rather than my mind controlling me. Today, thanks to a well-developed mindful practice, I live with both peace and clarity of mind. Never lose hope, my friends. There was a time when hope was all that kept me alive.

John Shearer is an Australian mindfulness master, hypnotherapist, and lived experience recovery coach. His passionate purpose is helping people with more serious diagnoses like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, personality disorder, psychosis, or hearing voices.